Why Do Eldest Children of Immigrant Households Always Feel Like They Are Going to Be Told Off?
By Anushka Phal | Psychologist | Umeed Psychology
If you’re the eldest child of an immigrant household, chances are you’ve felt that sinking feeling—the expectation that at any moment, someone is going to tell you off. Maybe it’s the way your parents’ tone shifts ever so slightly, or the way your body tenses when someone calls your name. Even in adulthood, you might find yourself preemptively apologizing, assuming you’ve done something wrong before anyone has even said anything.
As a psychologist, I see this pattern come up with so many of my clients. They describe walking on eggshells, feeling on edge in relationships and workplaces, and struggling to distinguish between actual criticism and their own internalized fear of disappointing others. Some of them hold themselves to impossibly high standards, while others hesitate to speak up for their needs, afraid of rocking the boat.
But why is this so common? Why do so many eldest children of immigrant families carry this constant sense of guilt, anxiety, and responsibility? Let’s unpack the deeper psychological roots of this experience and the lasting impact it can have.
1. The Burden of Responsibility: Becoming the ‘Third Parent’
In many immigrant households, eldest children are not just siblings; they are co-parents, translators, cultural navigators, and crisis managers. From a young age, they take on responsibilities far beyond what a child typically should.
Translating for parents at the doctor’s office or parent-teacher meetings.
Helping younger siblings with schoolwork, often before they’ve fully understood it themselves.
Acting as cultural mediators, trying to bridge the gap between their parents’ homeland and their new country.
Managing family conflicts, whether it’s between siblings or between their parents and the outside world.
With this responsibility comes an unspoken pressure: you are the one who has to get it right. Mistakes are not easily forgiven because, in many cases, there is no safety net. If you fail, it doesn’t just affect you—it affects the entire family. Over time, this creates hyper-vigilance—a state of being constantly on edge, waiting for something to go wrong.
Many of my clients struggle with burnout because they’ve spent years carrying emotional and logistical burdens that were never theirs to hold. Even as adults, they feel like they have to anticipate problems before they happen, always being “on” just in case someone needs them.
2. Fear of Disappointing the Family: Conditional Acceptance
Immigrant parents often carry enormous sacrifices on their backs. They may have left behind careers, family, and familiarity for the promise of a better future. But that promise often comes with conditions—and eldest children feel those conditions most acutely.
Academic success is not just encouraged; it’s mandatory.
Financial stability is not a personal goal; it’s a family expectation.
Respect for elders is not optional; it’s a core value.
Many of my clients describe a deep-seated fear of disappointing their family, even when their parents are not explicitly saying they are upset. It’s as if their nervous system has been wired to expect disappointment, no matter how well they perform.
If your parents only praised you when you brought home good grades but criticized you the moment you faltered, your brain learned to equate imperfection with rejection. This makes it incredibly difficult, even in adulthood, to distinguish between constructive feedback and punishment—because the stakes always felt impossibly high.
3. Cultural Differences in Communication: Why Everything Feels Like Criticism
Western cultures tend to emphasize positive reinforcement, where effort is acknowledged and praised. However, in many immigrant cultures—particularly in South Asian, Middle Eastern, African, and East Asian households—feedback is often given through criticism rather than encouragement.
Instead of “You did well,” you might hear, “You could have done better.”
Instead of “I’m proud of you,” you might get, “Why didn’t you get full marks?”
Instead of “You’ve worked hard,” you might hear, “Your cousin is doing even better.”
Many clients I see struggle with this well into adulthood. A simple email from their boss asking to “have a quick chat” can trigger a full-blown stress response because it reminds them of the times they were unexpectedly scolded as children. They assume they must be in trouble, even when there’s no reason to think so.
This isn’t necessarily because immigrant parents don’t love their children; rather, their love is often expressed through high expectations and the assumption that their child will understand their intentions.
But as a child, your brain is wired to seek validation and safety. If most of the communication you received was critical rather than reassuring, your nervous system likely adapted by staying in a state of constant alertness. Even as an adult, when someone says, “Can we talk?” your body braces for impact.
4. The Role of Guilt: Internalizing the Weight of the Family’s Struggles
Eldest children in immigrant households are often made aware—explicitly or implicitly—of everything their parents gave up to provide them with a better life.
“I worked so hard so you wouldn’t have to struggle.”
“We left our country for you to have opportunities we never did.”
“Your father works long hours so you can study.”
These statements, while often well-meaning, create immense guilt. Many of my clients describe feeling as though their happiness or personal boundaries would be selfish—that if they prioritize themselves, they are somehow dishonoring their parents’ sacrifices.
5. Healing from the ‘Constantly in Trouble’ Mindset
Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward healing. Here are some ways I help my clients break free:
A. Reframe Your Internal Dialogue
Instead of “I must have done something wrong,” try: “I am not in trouble just because someone is serious.”
Instead of “I have to be perfect,” try: “My worth is not defined by my achievements.”
B. Learn to Differentiate Between Criticism and Feedback
Ask yourself: Is this actual criticism, or am I assuming the worst?
Practice reminding yourself: “Not all feedback means I have failed.”
C. Address the Root of the Anxiety
Therapy, especially with a culturally responsive psychologist, can help untangle these deeply ingrained fears.
Mindfulness and grounding techniques can help regulate your nervous system.
D. Set Boundaries Without Guilt
Recognize that you are not responsible for everyone’s emotions.
Understand that saying “no” does not mean you are failing your family.
Final Thoughts
If you grew up as the eldest child in an immigrant household, it makes sense that you feel like you’re always about to be told off. But you don’t have to live in a state of perpetual anxiety.
You are allowed to exist without proving yourself. You are allowed to make mistakes without fearing rejection. And most importantly, you are worthy of love, rest, and self-compassion—no conditions attached.
The weight you’ve carried for so long? It’s not yours to bear alone anymore.
This is something I see so often in my practice, and I know how deeply it can impact every part of life. If this resonates with you, know that you’re not alone. I’d love to hear from you—how has this shown up in your experience? Let’s start a conversation.